Like most civilized humans I require coffee at the start of my day. When I rise from my bed you best not speak to me until I’ve had that first cup. It’s not that I’m cranky, per se, I just am not quite ready to come to terms with myself and the day until I’ve had a chance to just sit for a moment and collect my thoughts.
Earlier this year when my coffee maker broke, I replaced it with a programable one. Which is really everything I didn’t know I needed. No more groggy waiting in the kitchen, full of fear that someone will try to engage in conversation with me while I wait for the coffee to be done. Now when I get out of bed, it’s there, ready. I can get my cup, sit and be alone for a while.
Typically I don’t hear the coffee maker start. It’s not that it’s loud or anything, but recently I noticed that if I’m up early enough I can hear the coffee maker “announce” that it’s about to start. It’s the same sound it makes to also indicate it’s done brewing. This really confused me the first time I was up early enough to hear it.
It’s a loud series of beeps that the coffee maker makes. Lying in bed listening to the beeps for the first time began an odd little journey in my brain. First, it was “Huh, I didn’t know it made a sound that it was starting.” Second, it was, “I hope that doesn’t mean something is wrong.” The third was, “I bet I forgot to do something. Did I add water? Is the pot on the warming plate?”
Deep down inside I knew that all was well. Yes, I added water. Yes, the pot was on the warming plate. Yet, as I enjoy that anxious lifestyle I couldn’t help but imagine that coffee was spilling out all over my kitchen. I knew that I would get out of bed—as even for a kitchen disaster I couldn’t be bothered to get up early—walk into my kitchen and spend my entire morning mopping it multiple times.
I don’t know why I assumed that my kitchen was going to be a disaster area. I don’t know why hearing a series of five beeps would make me think that all was about to cut loose. I rose from my bed and made my way toward the kitchen. I stopped off by my laundry room to grab a mop just in case.
I walked into the kitchen prepared for the worse, but all was well. For some insane reason, my anxious mind created this wild idea that everything was going to be going wild. I think it is just one of those little things that always pokes at the back of your brain. A couple of days later when I was awake again early enough to hear those starting beeps, I thought again that maybe I had forgotten to do something.
This is the magic of anxiety. The little feeling that you forgot something and something is going to go wrong. A feeling that exists in the back of my brain a good 90% of the time I’d say. All one can do is try to recall that in the mornings when I hear those starting beeps that everything is fine. There will be no disaster. Until the morning when it’s not fine and I DID forget to put the pot under the coffee maker. But no. Things are fine. Right? Yeah. Fine. See you next week, with a mop.
Comments